On the Line (2001): SMAC B-movie Review for May

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When I learned we were doing pop star movies for this month’s SMAC B-movie, I honestly couldn’t think of any. Maybe because my brain was fried from school. Maybe because I’m a complete movie noob and I need people to suggest all the movies I watch…. Which is actually what happened this month, too. I mentioned the theme to my boyfriend, who blurted out, “WE SHOULD WATCH ON THE LINE WITH LANCE BASS!”

…  For a brief moment, I was a little concerned about and questioning of his enthusiasm. He pirated obtained the movie for us quite quickly, and to celebrate the finishing of my last exam, that’s what I did on my Friday night. 

First things first, though: I made sure I poured myself a large glass of wine. I had a feeling I was going to need it. 

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Lance Bass (Kevin), along with former N’Sync bandmate Joey Fatone (Rod), star in this movie, which was filmed and released a year before N’Sync’s inevitable breakup. It is Spring of 1994. Lance, Joey, and two others who look vaguely familiar have a rock band in high school (“[They] were all about the rock.”).  In the crowd was a chick Lance really liked. He was going to sing her a love song, but choked.

Fast forward to 7 years later. 

Lance is still not one with the ladies (Um. Hello). He gets advice from this 5 year old on the train that picks up a chick about 6 times his age with McDonald’s french-fries. 

Wine sip. 

Jerry Stiller needed a paycheque (excuse my Canadian-ness), so he was in this for a few scenes. Like in Zoolander, he made mention to some sort of body part being the size of a melon (in this case, a cantaloupe. In Zoolander, it was a honeydew). Eyeroll. Wine si—chug. 

Also starring is Emmanuelle Chriqui as Abbey (who played the hot lesbian bartender in my favourite movie, ‘Waiting’). Lance bumps into her on the train (thus, “On The Line”), and they find out they like the Cubs and can recite all the US presidents in order annnnnd in sync (teehee, sip)! And they fall in love, but she’s dating someone and Lance’s gay not good with women, and he forgets to ask for her number. The rest of the movie is him trying to find her again with his friends being dumb and messing it up for him. Poor Lance.

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Thank god Emmanuelle knows how to act (and is hot) because I wouldn’t have paid attention otherwise. The acting in this movie was horrendous. So instead of watching it for content, I decided to pick out all the homosexual references I could find in it:

- Lance’s friend says that he always “chokes on a chick.” John and I giggled because we misheard this quote for all the right reasons. 
- “Do you want some nuts in your noodles?” Some dude’s girlfriend.
- Lance’s household loves to stick their phone in their bowl of nuts that they keep by their couch. Not sure what the fascination is with nuts in this movie…
- Lots of hotdog cameos. One even flings up at one of Lance’s friends. I have no idea.
- Joey Fatone’s character asks this random lady at the baseball stadium if her daughter eats meat, while shoving a hotdog in his mouth. *Looks at rating again… PG. Huh*
- “You may want to practice with the male mail cart.” Lance’s co-worker to Lance (He does eventually. Oh wait. SPOILERZ.).

IMDB gives this movie a 3.6/10. I would say that’s generous. Though Jon Bon Jovi’s bandmate also made a cameo and that must stand for something about the movie’s credibility. Right? No? … Yeaaah…  

PS: I decided to find out a little more about Lance. He’s a pretty respectable guy AND he’s doing well post-N’Sync breakup. My inner-teenager is a little happy about this.