On the Line (2001): SMAC B-movie Review for May

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When I learned we were doing pop star movies for this month’s SMAC B-movie, I honestly couldn’t think of any. Maybe because my brain was fried from school. Maybe because I’m a complete movie noob and I need people to suggest all the movies I watch…. Which is actually what happened this month, too. I mentioned the theme to my boyfriend, who blurted out, “WE SHOULD WATCH ON THE LINE WITH LANCE BASS!”

…  For a brief moment, I was a little concerned about and questioning of his enthusiasm. He pirated obtained the movie for us quite quickly, and to celebrate the finishing of my last exam, that’s what I did on my Friday night. 

First things first, though: I made sure I poured myself a large glass of wine. I had a feeling I was going to need it. 

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Lance Bass (Kevin), along with former N’Sync bandmate Joey Fatone (Rod), star in this movie, which was filmed and released a year before N’Sync’s inevitable breakup. It is Spring of 1994. Lance, Joey, and two others who look vaguely familiar have a rock band in high school (“[They] were all about the rock.”).  In the crowd was a chick Lance really liked. He was going to sing her a love song, but choked.

Fast forward to 7 years later. 

Lance is still not one with the ladies (Um. Hello). He gets advice from this 5 year old on the train that picks up a chick about 6 times his age with McDonald’s french-fries. 

Wine sip. 

Jerry Stiller needed a paycheque (excuse my Canadian-ness), so he was in this for a few scenes. Like in Zoolander, he made mention to some sort of body part being the size of a melon (in this case, a cantaloupe. In Zoolander, it was a honeydew). Eyeroll. Wine si—chug. 

Also starring is Emmanuelle Chriqui as Abbey (who played the hot lesbian bartender in my favourite movie, ‘Waiting’). Lance bumps into her on the train (thus, “On The Line”), and they find out they like the Cubs and can recite all the US presidents in order annnnnd in sync (teehee, sip)! And they fall in love, but she’s dating someone and Lance’s gay not good with women, and he forgets to ask for her number. The rest of the movie is him trying to find her again with his friends being dumb and messing it up for him. Poor Lance.

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Thank god Emmanuelle knows how to act (and is hot) because I wouldn’t have paid attention otherwise. The acting in this movie was horrendous. So instead of watching it for content, I decided to pick out all the homosexual references I could find in it:

- Lance’s friend says that he always “chokes on a chick.” John and I giggled because we misheard this quote for all the right reasons. 
- “Do you want some nuts in your noodles?” Some dude’s girlfriend.
- Lance’s household loves to stick their phone in their bowl of nuts that they keep by their couch. Not sure what the fascination is with nuts in this movie…
- Lots of hotdog cameos. One even flings up at one of Lance’s friends. I have no idea.
- Joey Fatone’s character asks this random lady at the baseball stadium if her daughter eats meat, while shoving a hotdog in his mouth. *Looks at rating again… PG. Huh*
- “You may want to practice with the male mail cart.” Lance’s co-worker to Lance (He does eventually. Oh wait. SPOILERZ.).

IMDB gives this movie a 3.6/10. I would say that’s generous. Though Jon Bon Jovi’s bandmate also made a cameo and that must stand for something about the movie’s credibility. Right? No? … Yeaaah…  

PS: I decided to find out a little more about Lance. He’s a pretty respectable guy AND he’s doing well post-N’Sync breakup. My inner-teenager is a little happy about this.

Guest Review by Christina: Fuck Yes! Killer Klowns From Outer Space!

As part of a blogring challenge for this month, we were to review a horrible horror movie. My guest poster is Christina in Wonderland, who will be reviewing "Killer Klowns From Outer Space." I hope you all enjoy the review, and please visit her blog if you enjoy her writing!

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If you've never heard of the 1988 cult classic B-movie horror/comedy that is the epic Killer Klowns From Outer Space then I question your worth as a human being. And that's just for starters. I figured when Nugs demanded we all review shitty ass horror movies, that this would count as one of those "it's so bad it's really good" kind of things. And it really, really is. I was raised on shit like this! And shockingly I haven't developed a phobia of clowns, so it's all good. I do have other phobias because of this movie though. But more on that later.

Anyway, what I decided to do with this was rewatch the damn thing on Hulu. (If you haven't ever seen it and you want to watch it after reading my commentary, then , here's the link. This whole parenthesis is the link. So just click it, mkay?) And I was going to do a running commentary kind of thing, and them someone's blog on Tumblr fucked my shit all up and made me lose half of my commentary, and now I'm sad and want to go die, so I'll just do a review and try to be funny.

In the grand tradition of shitty 1980s movies, it starts off with an epically bad theme song that they pretend is a single playing on the radio. Haha. Very funny music guys. Then, there's an ice cream truck and some fat chicks jokes at a massive make-out sesh somewhere remote, but that apparently every college kid knows about, because they're all up there trying to get laid in their vehicles that are parked side by side.

At about seven minutes in we get our first taste of the obligatory grumpy redneck guy, complete with overalls, missing teeth, rocking chair on the porch, and hound dog. Does every alien movie have to have this guy in it? Really? I feel like he's a creeper, trolling around in my damn movies all the time. Bad touch!!!!!!! I'm going to tell my mommy on you!!!! And, of course, in true creeper fashion, redneck idiot has to fucking love the circus when he finds one that's camped up in a spot where he thinks Hayley's Comet has hit.

You following me so far? I didn't think so...

Ten minutes in and you can already tell the movie is filled with shitty acting, shitty special effects, and a shitty plot, but it's just so fucking funny that it doesn't even matter. In spite of all it's horrible epic bad 1980s bullshit, I fucking love this damn movie.

The alien clowns really steal the show. I mean, I think that's what makes this movie so iconic. The make-up and costumes are so ridiculous, yet, in that, they're still kind of creepy.

On a weird note, I hope I'm not the only one who thinks the alien clowns kind of talk all adorable and stuff. I mean, they talk like so cute. But they're very, very bad. Bad clowns. Bad!

And the circus tent like thing (their mothership) that they set-up in the woods when they land is pretty dope. Super bad ass 1980s fun house that reminds me of the Supernatural episode "Mystery Spot".

This movie also gets mad props for creative uses of popcorn machines and cotton candy cocoons. Which kind of leads me to a confession. I watched this, like I said, when I was little, okay? And when you're young and impressionable like that, it fucks with your head. Well see what had happened was, well, I was terrified to eat cotton candy for a long time because I thought I would be eating people. And I'm still wary of circus tents because I fear that there might be clown aliens that are trying to collect humans for food. It also caused my insane fear of balloon animals.

Anyway, I really didn't want to give away too much, and it occurs to me that I'm a shitty reviewer. You've probably been bored out of your mind reading this, and I totally understand. Just, suffice it to say I totally recommend this movie in the way that I recommend anything that's so bad you just can't help but laugh at it!

John Carpenter's "They Live" (1988)

I need to admit something right off the bat… I don’t watch many movies, especially horror movies. When given this challenge, I didn’t have the faintest idea as to where to start. I turned to Facebook and asked my friends for suggestions. A good friend of mine directed me to this gem: John Carpenter’s “They Live.”

DUN DUN DUN.

Honestly, the only reason I chose this is because Rowdy Roddy Piper from WWF (aka “WWE”) played the lead. I don’t know a single 80’s kid that didn’t watch WWF. In fact, wrestling brings me back to happier, more carefree days… It reminds me of how cool I was back in the day. And those mullets. Ohhhh the mullets… I sported one of those (being a cool kid and all), but the boyfriend won’t let me revisit my youth.

Alas, I digress.

Anyway, the mullets did make me happy, but not nearly as happy as I was to see Piper with some pants on. Already, this movie is putting me in a good place. Some initial observations from the opening scene: Piper is jobless, kiltless, sad that there are no jobs for him, homeless—oop!-- now he’s shirtless, and a patriot (he believes his situation will get better, which is crucial for Pipers’ future in this movie), and finally, he’s talented, exemplified by a lonely jam-out session on a harmonica in the dark, dank slums. 

Killing 2 birds with one stone here: Piper's mullet and him looking for work!

Piper’s character (whose name is never revealed in the movie), as well as some other homeless men, is somehow watching TV outside. The show craps out and some freaky dude talks to the homeless people, trying to convince them that the world is evil and everyone’s being brainwashed. Piper notices some shit going down across the street—namely, a blind religious zealot saying, word for word, what the crazy man is saying. This sparks interest in Piper’s character and he investigates the church across the street to find that… lo and behold, it isn’t a church at all, but a lab/hideout for the crazy man on TV! 

Shit really begins to go down, as the police raid the fake church as well as the slum that Piper and his gang are situated. Hordes of SWAT officers, accompanied by a bulldozer, level the slum and own the people in the church. Why? Mmmmm… leave it to Piper to find out!

The next day, he goes back to the fake church and finds sunglasses. Yup. Sunglasses. He humours himself and puts on a pair only to find the images through the lenses are all distorted. Billboards now display messages like “CONSUME” and “OBEY.” Not only that, but when he looks at certain people, they’re aliens. Yup. Aliens.

Spoiler: not everyone in a suit and tie are aliens!

Piper notices that rich, powerful people are aliens through these lenses. In fact, many of the police officers are also aliens (now it makes sense why they levelled the slum, now doesn’t it?). Something in him snaps, he takes it out on a crotchety old lady (alien), two officers try to subdue him, and what does he do? Effing closeline. This is what I was waiting to see. Piper does some fancy stuff, takes their guns, and goes postal in a bank. But not before he drops this one-liner:

“I came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.”

This is where I paused the movie. Seriously? I’ve heard this before… Duke Nukem. That’s when I drew the parallel: Rowdy Roddy Piper, in this movie, quite possibly inspired Duke Nukem. Blonde hair. Sunglasses. Muscle-y goodness. Sporting guns. Killing aliens. Wow. Just… wow.

HMMMM.

He continues to shoot people and kick ass throughout the movie. I know as well as the next person that no movie where kicking ass is the main theme is complete without an African American accomplice. Enter the 5-minute WTF fight scene with a black guy (played by Keith David, famous for such roles as “Goliath” in the cartoon Gargoyles), all because Piper wants this dude to wear the sunglasses and see the truth. The internet tells me the fight scene was only supposed to take 20 seconds, but Piper and David wanted to kick each others’ asses “for real,” so they went all Family Guy on the situation. 

Seeing the truth when Piper forces the sunglasses on him, David agrees to kick ass and chew bubblegum with him, and more needless killing ensues. Actually… that was the gist of the rest of the movie. 

Other than the Duke Nukem parallel I drew, the theme of consumerism taking over America was also prominent. Carpenter did a wonderful job with this by displaying messages such as “THIS IS YOUR GOD” on dollar bills when wearing the sunglasses. The perceived power that the “aliens” had is seen every day. Wealthy, powerful people, while very few in numbers, tower over the rest of the population and ultimately run the show. One character in the movie had admitted that there was no point in resisting such a power (“if you can’t beat them, join them.”), which really stuck out to me. It’s an attitude I see all too often today. It’s so much easier to conform, it seems.

All in all, “They Live” was not in the least scary, but rather very insightful for a gamer geek like myself. The acting was pretty terrible (a requirement for 80’s movies, I’ve found), and Piper was often found awkwardly standing about with the wrong expression on his face for the situation (a half-grin while the slum is being ploughed?). In the end, I couldn’t think of a better way to spend an hour and a half after a long day... Except for maybe killing things myself (video games, not in real life. Promise.). 

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